Meet the Baltimore Barbie(s)
Let’s start right off with a warning. If you’re not partial to broad stereotypes, this probably isn’t for you. A list of (fake) Barbie dolls representing many corners of the city, from Roland Park to Glen Burnie, has been circulating on the internet recently. Each Barbie comes with her own accessories and a more-or-less on point description. Take the Roland Park Barbie, pictured above:
“This princess Barbie is sold only at Cross Keys. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.”
Here are a few more stand-outs; see the full list here:
Greenspring Valley Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
Dundalk Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll and numerous tasteless tattoo stickers you can apply. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Canton Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.
Ellicott City Barbie: She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always out a-’huntin’.
Mt. Vernon Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hai ry armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Mt Vernon Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
Two quibbles. One: Where’s my Hampden Barbie? Or my Towson Barbie? Or my Inner Harbor Barbie? Two: Although Baltimore is a majority black city, all the Baltimore Barbies are white. Not sure whether that says more about the meme’s creators or Barbie herself.